I’ve got two little Sisters. Michelle is my Sister on my Dad’s side. Nica is Michelle’s other Sister on her Mom’s side. Michelle wanted me to love Nica like my own. And I do! I haven’t seen them since the day after Christmas of 1998. Ever since then my heart and soul has had a big huge hole in it. Words simply can’t explain just how much I love both of them. The pain can’t describe just how much I miss them. They are so much a part of my mind, body and soul. 

I come from a very fucked up past. My biological Father was pretty much a loser and asshole. And for the first 21 years of my life he abused me, sexually abused me and yeah as much as I hate to say it… he raped me. It was only last year that I admitted and acknowledged that he raped me. By definition he raped me because of the things he… well I won’t go there. It would be too much information. I’m much stronger now than I was a year ago and leaps and bounds better than I was back in 1998.

I’ll admit it… I was an immature 21 year old when I last saw my beloved Little Sisters. You see when I was about 14 my biological Father cheated on my Mom with their Mom so I held an angry grudge against their Mom. I was very angry at her and I acted immature during the Holidays of 1998 that I spent with my Paternal Side. I knew that my Paternal side loved and favored my Mom. And during the Holidays I rubbed it in and played it up. But it’s not like my Paternal side didn’t play either. I’d call up my Mom on the cell in front of my Little Sisters’ Mom and my Paternal side would say how much they loved her and thought of her as their own. Yeah, I was mean! And my Paternal side was on my Mom’s side. Maybe even after 7 years the damage my biological Father did was still a bit too fresh.

But what sucked and bit the dust was I was mean to my Little Sister’s older Sister Nica. I suppose my anger at their Mom was unjustly spread to innocent, loving and cute little Nica. Man did my Little Sister Michelle want me to love her like my own back then. And I just couldn’t do it. I had so much chaos, turmoil, wars and anger going on inside me at the time. Besides that was the time when I had the courage to let the secret out… that my biological Father sexually abused me. But their is no excuse for my behavior. I mean Nica was just an innocent little kid. It’s not like it was her fault her Mother slept with my biological Father and slapped my Mother’s kindness after the fact in the face. 

During my 8th grade year and first semester in High School my Mother welcomed my biological Father’s pregnant mistress into our home. And my bio-Dad’s mistress openly flirted with him in front of my Mom. So you can imagine the emotions going on inside of me then. But still that wasn’t an excuse to treat my Little Sister’s older Sister the way I did. She, like me, were innocent children caught up in the fucked up lives of stupid, horny, immature, asshole cheating parents. And Nica if you ever read this please know I am Sincerely SO BEYOND SORRY for the way I treated you. And just know that I love you like I love Michelle. And because I love you both so much I love your Mom like a step-Mom.

Michelle and Nica are young adults now. When I last saw them they were little kids. Not a day goes by that I’m not thinking about them. Not a second that goes by that I’m not loving them. And if it takes me a lifetime I am working on forgiving their Mother because I’m sure that’s what both of them would want me to do. And because it’s what I would want to do to make me a better person. To free me of negativity. It’s just not good for me to have these negative emotions.

My biological Father is currently in Prison for doing what he did to me to three un-named other Survivors. I’m not sure if two of those Survivors are my Little Sisters or not. The public records don’t say. He’s due to get out in 2014. If he’s out already on good behavior I don’t want to know. I’d like to believe he’s still in prison. It makes me feel safe knowing he’s locked up. I still haven’t forgiven him. I want to because as soon as I do then I’ll have “gotten over it.” But seeing as I’ve acknowledged that he raped me last year… it’s going to take me a bit longer to get to my goal. If you compare me now versus where I was when I was 21 it’s like day and night.

When I saw my 30th birthday approaching I swore to myself I’d finally let myself live. And when I turned 30… I began to slowly live. I can say that last year is when I truly began to live my life. I’m no longer on cruise control, gasping to survive, being numb and going through the motions. I’m taking control of my life and heading to where it is that I want my life to go when all is said and done. I may have started to live my life late… but I wasn’t ready in my 20s. Everything has it’s right timing. I’m where I need to be right now and I won’t crucify myself (although it’s easier said than done) for not being where I want to be. I don’t regret anything that’s happened in my past. The things that happened that are negative were just hard lessons that I had to learn. What ever happened in my past is done. And whatever I do now is what matters. 

And it brings me back to my two Little Sisters and their Mom. All three of them wherever they may be… I hope we will reunite and that our reunion will be a time of love, healing, forgiving and new beginnings. Because I love you and miss you Michelle and Nica! And Rica… I love you too! The best thing you ever gave me Rica was my Little Sister Michelle and I can’t ever thank you for giving me the Little Sister I always wanted. And Nica, you are a blessing in my life because you too are the Little Sister I always wanted. There is not a second that goes by that I don’t think of you, miss you and love you. I pray to God that if it’s in his will… That we see each other again soon! And that our reunion will be a happy one. Mahal Na Mahal Kayo! <3

My eternal quest, ultimate dream, ultimate goal and hopeful destiny is that I will master and manifest unconditional love and forgiveness. Yeah people say it’s impossible. But Great Dreamers DO The Impossible & Make A Difference. I figure if I attempt to do the impossible… then by the time I’ve breathed my last breath I’ll know I’ve made a difference. And you can’t go wrong with wanting to master and manifest unconditional love and forgiveness! <3

Also posted on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/mWFuDS

(Source: on.fb.me)